Have you ever heard of the wolf? Have you ever been with it? Have you ever thought of it? Have you ever sought it? Have you ever tried to be it?
These are some of the questions that were cumulating in my sad mind while I was trying not to be sad.
I’ve been a wolf; wandering, falling, drowning, smashing into, and eventually dying yet breathing. I keep running all alone from my fears without any precaution. I’m poisoned with loyalty, spirit, and the sense of vengeance. I can stay quiet, still for a long long time even I can make myself look as almost as dead. But, the very moment a chance comes, I grab it by its neck and tear it apart. Restlessly, I chase the breeze when the dark night takes a nap and the cold comes out to shatter the hearts.
I hide my instincts behind a cursed smile. Yea, a damn smile. I fake ’em with my blanked innocence while I pounce on ’em with ruthless growl. I’m all alone, from my head to toes, waiting for the last breath ’cause I’m tired. And they say a wolf’s center is his pack but yea I’ve lost it. I’m just being me and with myself hiding, going astray, getting away far from here.
I hunt myself in the cold winter nights and the chills of horror haunt me. And that’s when I hate it as I can’t take enough of my own self. At times, I go crazy and walk right into the violence. Then with an adverse outburst of tumultuous voice I end up dead.
Scars all over the body
Screams all over the sky
Opened-up heartless heart
World hears the bruised wolf’s cry
Now, here I’m still having a soul and still going on. I kept looking for an enemy and in the end I found it in myself. I stopped looking anymore. I don’t blame or complain. I just go and tear it apart who ever collides with my legitimate legacy.
Don’t know for how long I’d be able to take it but I’ll keep holding onto the life for the sake of one I chose to be a wolf. After all, a wolf has to be loyal.
Stuck in the mind
Have I gone mad?
Scars of a dead kind
Have I gone sad?
Words stumble a lot
Am I on a death Cot?
A huge empty slot
Help me O’ Lord!
Nothing left to say
I beg you to stay
Just one more chance
Please let me pray!
There are so many times that I’ve written useless and undulating words. Most of the time I just spoke and forgotten. But now I came to know that those weren’t useless. They mean a lot to the one I’m holding onto. Even my jokes have such an enthusiastic effect on her.
I write and I keep writing, days after days, weeks after weeks and maybe it takes more than a month for me to grab some words to put them on the paper. I weave them like the DNA woven in my cells. And then I make them to rush in someone’s mind like the blood in my veins. The thoughts are chewing me up and the words crunching through the battle of pen and fingers. I pen them down on the paper at last, the way a needle pierces the skin.
That’s how I am as a writer.
I don’t have anything to write on and to write in. It’s like the past I had faced a long time ago when there was me and myself.
And then came the pen and a page in my barren dry life. My days and nights became amazingly beautiful and for the rest of me started to have a vision of my life at its best.
But it’s all coming back again, the past, and it hurts again.
I made choices but not the ones I wanted. Those, which were necessary, overcame mine ones.
Now, I ponder if I would regret the choices I ever made in my life because regrets come to you as the late night stalker or the mid-day scorching breeze.
Your skin brittles in a sense that is quite clenching and your thoughts are at war with your soul. Heart beats faster than ever but body stuns at a place like the stationary barren tree. And all this fuss makes you fazed by taking all of your comfort and peace in a moment.
Wish we would never had this sense of regret in our lives.
What enthralls me the most is a morning with all its beauty and charm. The skies adorned with shades of clouds and the sun popping out from them makes me feel alive. For once, I am deeply dissolved in the glittering rays of Sun. And for a man, I believe, it’s the most beautiful moment of his life that he gets to see the morning every day. How light replaces the dark and how the day exposes the vastness of this world is just speechless. A walk in the memories of nature adds to the charismatic scene of the morning. The fragrance of its beauty overwhelms the entire scent of mine.
Summer and its dying sun; the moment I love the most. The nature at its peak at this time. Summer is incomplete without the Sun and the day is incomplete without the dying sun. The bulging hot red ball of fire sets calmly into the depths of horizon.
The reality is, we live and we die for the good or bad cause. Everything comes up with both the good and bad cause. The same goes for the dying sun. While looking at the sunset, I see that we mostly ignore the nature and the chimerical secrets hidden in it. We as a human commit sins and try to put them behind the curtains but the nature pulls all of them away.
“First, get a hold of yourself. Become someone the world knows and acknowledges. Mend yourself first before you make promises. I shall only believe you and your words when you will be able to stand on your own feet and will not be dependent on any other person to hold you. And you will not be blaming others for your failures. It’s then you will be truly able to hold me. I shall only be happy when I shall see you as the successful man. I will be thankful to Almighty when I will see you coming towards me with the fragrance of labor and hard-work that you would have done for me. I will be the luckiest woman to have you. Become so strong that you could stand all alone for me before this world. Make your parents dreams come true and then knock at my door.”
Those were the soothing and motivating words she said to him while he was trying to fix himself up and looking for a remedy.
This is when he came to realize that what does it mean to be a loyal woman. The woman who wants you to be on top of everything. The woman who wants to see you conquer the world. And when you fall she holds you and keeps you alive. And makes you stand again on your feet. The respect and love for her in his heart rose to the bloom that day. Those words lessened the burden on him and opened a clear way for him.
“Today, I make a commitment that I’ll do what you have asked me to do. I’ll be loyal to you and your wishes till the end. And I pray that what we both do comforts us and helps us both to get bonded in a righteous way.”, he replied to her while thanking her.